A little news item that caught my eye . . .
British doctor awarded for Services to Health and Safety in the Workplace
Dr. I.G.A.Smallpiece, an Anglo-American emigré who is a recognised expert in the field of workplace psychology, today received the coveted Health and Safety Services Medal of Honour from prime minister, Boris Johnston, in recognition of his brilliant achievement in ensuring the future respiratory health of construction workers. I was fortunate enough to catch up with Dr. Smallpiece at St.Katharines Dock in London, as he was about to board his private yacht on which he has been residing ever since the country first learned about the coronavirus scare in China. I asked him what it was that he had done that warranted such an honour. He explained that working in the Health and Safety industry for the past thirty years had left him frustrated and dismayed by the lack of awareness among construction workers of the health dangers from the many dusts and volatile vapours they come into contact with on a daily basis, and their complete lack of interest in wearing the appropriate PPE that was provided by their employers, especially the wearing of face masks. Last December he had been in Washington at a conference of construction industry executives and at dinner one evening he had found himself sitting next to Donald Trump, who also happens to be an old friend of the doctor from when they were both students at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. Laughing now he said it was amazing to meet Donald after all these years and described how “The Strumpet”, as his friend Don had been nicknamed at school, was always coming up with weird crazy and outlandish ideas of how he was going to control the world. Apparently the President was still doing the same old routine at that dinner party, gushing on about the most amazing virus he had learnt about from another of their student buddies who was now working in a laboratory in Wuhan, having been forcefully repatriated back to China after being found guilty of a series of sex offences at the university where he was a resident professor of epidemiology. Mr. Trump had told Dr. Smallpiece, and I quote him word for word, “Old Hochoi has found the most amazing germ, a really great germ, a great great germ, that is just what we need to stop these wretched lefties from spouting so much fake news . . .” The conversation between them had then gone on to make lots of very non-PC jokes about the way Asians took so readily to wearing masks in the street at the slightest sign of bad air, and how the masks were also very efficient at cutting down their ability to have meaningful conversations, let alone shout down their opponents.
On the plane coming home from the conference, Dr. Smallpiece had an idea whirling around in his head, a truly eureka moment in fact, which he held in check until he arrived back in London and immediately requested an audience with the prime minister. “I explained to the PM” he continued, “about the terrible lack of awareness of the need to wear face masks on construction sites and the need to find a way of playing on the psyche of the workers so that they would happily accept the idea of wearing face masks all day long.” And the doctor had gone on to explain to Mr. Johnston how the idea of scaring the general public into wearing facemasks would quickly permeate throughout the construction industry, and the introduction of this amazing virus that his friend Don had told him about just might be the answer. Mr. Johnston had initially looked perplexed but had then replied quickly “It sounds reasonable to me. I .. er .. wouldn’t wear a mask myself of course. But . .er . . yes, go on, give it a try, it can’t do any harm.” And thus Dr. Smallpiece had been given the go-ahead, and as we now know his idea was a brilliant success. He seemed totally unconcerned when I asked him if he had expected the fallout that we have all witnessed these last few months. Did he really think it was worth all those lives that had been lost, once COVID19 had got totally out of control. “And what about the ruination of the British economy?” I managed to shout to him as he disappeared into his yacht and a couple of flunkies, wearing bullet-proof vests, carrying powerful looking sidearms and wielding batons, whipped up the gangplank and threatened me menacingly.
The Wit
BS News Special, Tuesday 9th June 2020